Nudie Pics and Terrible Posture
by Lilith-dono
Summary: 1 P.M.: Argue with Yuffie. 2 P.M.: Have bedroom degraded. 3 P.M.: Become embarrassed before potential crush. 5 P.M.: Argue with Yuffie again. Yep. Vincent's life isn't really that interesting.


Nudie Pics and Terrible Posture:

* * *

"I really have never met another male with such bad posture!" Yuffie complained, gesturing up and down at Vincent's slouched stance. "Come on, Vin! You look like the freaking Hunchback of Notre Dome!"

"You're exaggerating," Tifa chuckled, as Vincent seemed to glare an imaginary hole through Yuffie's forehead. The busty barmaid shook her head as the young ninja berated the stoic gunman for his glaring a third time that day before pulling Tifa by the elbow.

"Now look," Yuffie instructed, giving Tifa the perfect view of Vincent's profile. "Just LOOK! The horror of it all!"

"Yuffie," Vincent grumbled, not enjoying the women's intense survey of his stance. If anyone hadn't known better, it looked like Tifa and Yuffie were giving him a once over.

"Man, she's actually right," Tifa said after a moment of glancing at his slouched shoulders. "How tall would you be if you stood up properly for once?"

"Probably a giant," Yuffie chirped, skipping up to him to slap him square in the back. This time he growled and whipped around to give her a piece of his mind. They could stare all they wanted, but he wasn't about to be manhandled by the females of Avalanche.

"Yuffie…" he warned.

"Shut up," she instructed, quickly taking a chair to give her some height. Vincent was in the process of walking away when she grabbed him by the cloak and pulled him backwards. He felt her small breasts press against the back of his neck and blushed ever-so-slightly because of it. "Alright," the young woman cooed. "Let's see how tall you actually are, slugger!"

Tifa couldn't hold the snort as the young woman tried to coax Vincent into standing properly with sweet words while he constantly refused. The gunman was two steps away from leaving the cloak with her, but he knew that was a preposterous idea. She'd never return it once she had her grimy thieve paws on his precious fabric and he wasn't about to give it up.

Suddenly the crook of Yuffie's elbow pressed roughly against the tender spot on Vincent's neck. Tifa gasped as Vincent did in surprise, making him straighten his shoulders to try and remove her offensive appendage.

"How tall, Teef?!" Yuffie called.

"Well, he was 6' before," she responded, trying to judge his height as they struggled. "I'd give him an inch, maybe two!"

Vincent finally flipped Yuffie over his shoulder and to the floor. His glare tripled in hate waves as she rubbed her posterior from the rough smack on the ground. "Ouch, jerk off! That hurt!"

"And strangling didn't hurt me?" he replied dryly. "You women are insane."

"Thank you," Yuffie chirped while Tifa said simultaneously, "Don't tie me in with her."

"Hmm," he snorted. Yuffie made a grab for his cloak, but it was quickly out of her grasp. "No."

"No?!"

"No," he repeated. "You evil little imp."

Yuffie watched, her lips twisting into a wry smile as she tossed her head back over her shoulder to look at Tifa. Tifa shook her head sadly. "Looks like you made your precious Valentine upset."

"He's just channeling his inner Cid," Yuffie assured, standing up as she dusted off her yellow shorts. "But really! I think I might tie him to a chair just to get that kink out of his stance." She paused for a moment. "I just said kink. How kinky!"

"He'll kill you if you try," Tifa told her, taking her job of washing dishes back over after Yuffie and Vincent's little bicker. It was always a pleasure seeing the stoic gunman engage in inane conversations and arguments with the youngest member of Avalanche. Cid, Reno, and Barrett were the only predominant ones who seemed to get temperamental with their spats. Tifa assumed he disliked the looks that Yuffie constantly gave the gunman and the looks that Vincent secretly returned.

'_I wonder if they both knew they were flirting with each other when they argue like that?' _Tifa smiled to herself at the thought, but was thrown out of it when she heard Vincent's shout of the ninja's name.

"What did you do now to that poor man?"

"Nothing!" Yuffie insisted, silver eyes flashing in confusion as she held up her hands in defense. "I haven't burned his cloak, stolen his materia, or his guns in months! I promise! Cross my heart, hope to die, stick ninety bajillion needles in my eye!"

"Uh huh," Tifa replied skeptically.

Vincent came downstairs with a vibrant blush on his face, which surprised both females. He grasped Yuffie tightly by the elbow and dragged her up the stairs. Wisely, she kept her mouth shut seeing as the gunman was deeply embarrassed about something. What that something was, she didn't know.

"What is this?" he asked, pointing at his door.

"I don't know?" she shrugged as his grip tightened. "Ouch, Vin! I seriously have no idea! I haven't been in your room since the journal incident!"

"You didn't…?" he asked, his lips pressed in a grim line as his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. She thought it was quite an endearing look on his face, so she pat his cheek twice before glancing at his door.

"What's got you so freaked out, Vin?" she asked, grasping the knob. As she was about to pull the door back, he quickly grabbed her wrist.

"Don't go in there," he warned. "I'll be fine cleaning it up. Alone."

"Come on!" she whined, gray eyes flashing piteously as she attempted to pull the big puppy dog eyes look on him. He was usually susceptible to it, but he absolutely refused.

"Fine!" she complained. As he was about to sneak back into his room, she used her lightening quick reflexes to turn around and barrel her way in. Vincent tried to pull her back out, but the damage was done. "OH MY GAWD, VINCENT! WHAT THE FUCK?!"

He dropped her from her screech and glanced at her face of absolute horror and embarrassment. He then noticed the pictures that littered his walls and floors before flushing a deep red himself.

"I don't know how these got in here or who put them here," he told her as she picked up several lewd photographs of several female Turk operatives and Tifa downstairs. Practically every female he had met since entering Avalanche was littered on his floors practically nude aside from the young female at his side.

"I didn't do this," she insisted after a moment of awkward silence.

"I get that now," he agreed.

"Need help cleaning up?"

"…if you wouldn't mind."

The two quickly began collecting the photographs and loaded them into a trashcan. Every nook and cranny seemed to be stuffed with them, along with phone numbers of every woman. Yuffie noticed clearly that she wasn't included in any of these lewd photographs and made that observation known to the gunman.

"I'm glad and all, but should I be offended because of that?" she asked.

"I don't know, Yuffie," he replied, his voice gruff and reflected some of his deep embarrassment. "I really don't."

"Uh," Yuffie interrupted a minute later, holding some of the photographs in her hand of Tifa. "Can I keep these?"

Vincent gave her the strangest look, which made her blanch. "UGH! GROSS! No, no, no! NO! Vin, head out of the gutter! Out, out, out!"

"Then why—"

"Do you know how much money these would probably be worth selling to Cloud? I'd probably get some good materia—"

'_Talk about one track mind,' _he thought absently before shrugging. She stuffed them in one of her many hidden pockets in her shorts. He watched her out of the corner of his eye as she picked a particular pocket hidden near her rear. Vincent's flush returned as he tied the garbage bag filled with photos.

He wasn't about to admit it, but he was secretly disappointed that the young ninja wasn't included in any of the lewd photographs of women. He knew it was wrong and perverted of him to think along those lines of thought, but he was always slightly…curious, yes that was the word…of what the young woman would look like unclothed. As she stood up, he quickly pushed that dirty thought into the deepest part of his mind and nodded his thanks.

"…you know I'm not sick enough to ever pull anything like this on you, right?" she asked, trying to assure herself that he didn't think the worst of her. He nodded after a moment.

"I apologize for blaming you…honestly, I didn't think anyone else knew how to get into my room," he replied. "And let's just keep this between us."

"Uh…good idea," she agreed, her cheeks flushing prettily as she smiled gently at him. "You have my word, Vin. But if you ever find out who did it, we can pummel 'em together, okay?"

"Sure, Yuffie. Thanks for the help."

He watched her leave, shutting the door behind her. Once satisfied that she wasn't going to return spontaneously, he glanced around the room hoping that the intruders didn't find his secret hiding place. He pulled the mattress up gently and glanced towards a hidden cranny in the wood. He hooked his finger and gently pulled up a waxy photo from the thin slot. Although the young ninja complained and rejoiced that there were no pictures of her in his room, she wasn't completely correct in her assumption. He had a picture of her—a clean one, mind you—that was better than any other photo that the intruders could've stuffed in his room. It was the ninja being herself, her arms around his shoulders as she forced him into a photograph. She always thought she lost it that day, but what she didn't know was that Vincent had skillfully pocketed it. She wasn't the only one with thieving fingers.

"Damn," Cid cursed later as he noticed the brat and the vampire once again squabbling in the corner of the bar. "It didn't fucking work!"

"That Valentine must have balls of steel or something," Reno snorted as he took a swig of his drink, seafoam eyes roaming the body of the nimble ninja. "Fuck, I'd completely forget about the squirt if I saw Tifa naked."

"Shit ain't right," Barrett grumbled.

"I think you all should stay out of it," a new voice added. Cid glanced over to see Reeve, who had an eyebrow raised. "I heard about your dirty little trick that you played on Vincent. How did that turn out, hmm?"

"Shaddup," Cid spat, eyes squinting away from Reeve. The WRO leader waved absently at Yuffie, who waved back. Vincent glanced over his shoulder and gave him a nod of acknowledgement before turning to indulge Yuffie in her silly argument.

"So, what'll you do now?" Reeve mused. "Stuff him in a closet with Elena?"

"You think that'll work?" Reno asked suddenly. The three scheming men shared a hopeful look that made Reeve snort.

"Pathetic!" he huffed. "Valentine obviously has his eyes set out for one woman and one woman only. If he can still look Tifa in the eye after seeing a nudie pick of her, that means he's pretty in love with only _that _woman. Christ, you guys are thick."

"…Reeve's gotta point," Barrett murmured.

"But she ain't a woman!" Cid scowled. "I ain't satisfied. Boys, a closet'll come next!"

"I'd like to see that work," Reeve said, a grin instantaneously spreading his features as his dark eyes gleamed in mischief. "Especially after _that_!"

The three turned their barstools around to see the gunman smooching the ninja soundly in the corner of the bar. A chorus of "fuck"s and "hell no"s began after a moment of shock, but that didn't stop the thorough smooch given to Yuffie by the gunman (or was it Yuffie who initiated it? Reeve and the others honestly didn't know). Reeve glanced over the bar at Tifa who returned his glance with a grin and a thumb's up before patting the stunned Cloud on the shoulder. Reeve shook his head at the three disbelievers, grinning as he slapped Cid on the back.

"Good job, boys! You've officially become a catalyst for Yuff and Vin's romantic relationship—and to think it could've been avoided if you didn't stuff his room full of nudie pics, huh?"

"SHUT UP, REEVE!"

* * *

Okay, has anyone ever noticed how badly Vincey-V slouches in DoC? COME ON! The man has the worst posture I've ever seen...and I thought 'hey, he slept in a coffin for so long and had those experiments—they must be to blame!" Nope. Slouched bad as a young Turk boy too. Someone strap him to a chair for a few months PLEASE.

Anyways, review if you want. If you don't, then that's fine too. Only warning: don't bother if it's a stupid, degrading flame. I can handle and benefit from constructive criticism, but stupidity I won't tolerate.

Thanks for the reads, chick-ees!

Disclaimer: yaddi-yaddi-yaddah don't own Final Fantasy VII, DoC yaddi-yaddi-yaddah


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